I suck at Madden. Really. I’m terrible. And, to be honest, I don’t know how it happened. After all, I’m 39, been playing video games since my parents got us “Pong” in like 1976, and been playing the Madden series since it came out.

Now, admittedly, I grew up in the 80′s where the Atari joystick was king and all I had to worry about was not getting blisters on my palms when I played Activision’s Decathlon. Slowly, the gaming systems got more sophisticated and my PS3 (PlayStation 3 for you neophytes) is the zenith of this evolution. The controller alone has 2 joysticks, four buttons on the right side inexplicably labeled with geometric symbols, a directional pad on the left side, and, if that wasn’t enough, four more buttons on the front side. Add in the start, reset, and PS buttons and we’ve got more controls than a Boeing 707.

All these buttons and joysticks are just too much for my now aged mind. I just can’t think fast enough. Is it circle to spin? Square to dive? X to run fast? Most times, I’m spinning when I should be jumping, diving when I should be running straight ahead and throwing to blanketed receivers instead of to the wide open one. And it finally came to head on Saturday night.

My girlfriend’s six year-old-son – who we’ll call “Jared” – is now 3-0 against me, the latest being a 61-47 shellacking. Against my so-called defense, Chad Ochocinco had something like 453 yards receiving, the last being an 84 yard TD pass that took all of 4 seconds. At that point, even Chris Collinsworth couldn’t help himself: “These guys had a real chance of winning today. Before the opening kickoff. ” It got so bad, I sent Jared to bed with 6:05 left in the game.

For my first two defeats, I was able to say, with a straight face “Oh, I let you win.” Now, he’s on to me. He knows I suck. He knows I can’t cover a book. He knows I can’t run, pass, or even kick field goals (I missed 2 from less than 35 yards.) And what’s worse, he rubs it in. In the first quarter, he said “Paul, you should bring a back pack because I’m taking you to school!” He followed that up in the third quarter with “you know what, Paul, I feel bad. I’m going to close my eyes on this one.” He gained 7 yards on a sweep.

I think I found his secret because, for a six-year-old, he’s sly. After he scored his first TD, he went for 2 (he always goes for 2 so I was prepared) but it was on the kick-0ff when he pulled a fast one. He waited for me to pick my play (Middle Return) and then kicked an on-side kick. Before I could say “that’s cheating!” he was up 14-0.

I have to hand it to him. He’s a very aggressive player. If it’s 4th down and less than 3 yards, he always goes for it. Always. He could be on his own 5 yard line and he’ll go for it. I was watching the Ravens/Patriots game on Sunday and when the Pats were 4th and 1 from their own 20 in OT, Jared looked at me and said “I’d go for it.” The Pats punted.

Needless to say, I have not given up hope. Being 33 years his senior affords me some things, like a later bed time. When he’s fast asleep, I’m practicing. I’ve been playing the Madden Virtual Trainer for three days straight. I’m on blogs, websites, and boards looking for tips and cheats. Soon, I’ll be playing All Madden and taking the Patriots to the promise land.

At that point, Jared will look at me and say “I don’t play Madden ’10 anymore.”