Now, admittedly, I grew up in the 80′s where the Atari joystick was king and all I had to worry about was not getting blisters on my palms when I played Activision’s Decathlon. Slowly, the gaming systems got more sophisticated and my PS3 (PlayStation 3 for you neophytes) is the zenith of this evolution. The controller alone has 2 joysticks, four buttons on the right side inexplicably labeled with geometric symbols, a directional pad on the left side, and, if that wasn’t enough, four more buttons on the front side. Add in the start, reset, and PS buttons and we’ve got more controls than a Boeing 707.

All these buttons and joysticks are just too much for my now aged mind. I just can’t think fast enough. Is it circle to spin? Square to dive? X to run fast? Most times, I’m spinning when I should be jumping, diving when I should be running straight ahead and throwing to blanketed receivers instead of to the wide open one. And it finally came to head on Saturday night.

My girlfriend’s six year-old-son – who we’ll call “Jared” – is now 3-0 against me, the latest being a 61-47 shellacking. Against my so-called defense, Chad Ochocinco had something like 453 yards receiving, the last being an 84 yard TD pass that took all of 4 seconds. At that point, even Chris Collinsworth couldn’t help himself: “These guys had a real chance of winning today. Before the opening kickoff. ” It got so bad, I sent Jared to bed with 6:05 left in the game.

For my first two defeats, I was able to say, with a straight face “Oh, I let you win.” Now, he’s on to me. He knows I suck. He knows I can’t cover a book. He knows I can’t run, pass, or even kick field goals (I missed 2 from less than 35 yards.) And what’s worse, he rubs it in. In the first quarter, he said “Paul, you should bring a back pack because I’m taking you to school!” He followed that up in the third quarter with “you know what, Paul, I feel bad. I’m going to close my eyes on this one.” He gained 7 yards on a sweep.

I think I found his secret because, for a six-year-old, he’s sly. After he scored his first TD, he went for 2 (he always goes for 2 so I was prepared) but it was on the kick-0ff when he pulled a fast one. He waited for me to pick my play (Middle Return) and then kicked an on-side kick. Before I could say “that’s cheating!” he was up 14-0.

I have to hand it to him. He’s a very aggressive player. If it’s 4th down and less than 3 yards, he always goes for it. Always. He could be on his own 5 yard line and he’ll go for it. I was watching the Ravens/Patriots game on Sunday and when the Pats were 4th and 1 from their own 20 in OT, Jared looked at me and said “I’d go for it.” The Pats punted.

Needless to say, I have not given up hope. Being 33 years his senior affords me some things, like a later bed time. When he’s fast asleep, I’m practicing. I’ve been playing the Madden Virtual Trainer for three days straight. I’m on blogs, websites, and boards looking for tips and cheats. Soon, I’ll be playing All Madden and taking the Patriots to the promise land.

At that point, Jared will look at me and say “I don’t play Madden ’10 anymore.”

“Texting is just one distraction that we successfully fought against,” said Mary Templeton, President of MMADD, Massachusetts Motorists Against Distracted Driving. “But we have other distractions that we are taking aim at.”

One of them would make it illegal for college undergrads from sun bathing along Storrow Drive during the spring and summer months.

“Have you driven down Storrow drive during one of the beautiful spring days? I have seen many male motorists not paying attention to the road and instead, gawking at scantily clad undergrads,” moans Templeton. And others agree.

“It’s a distraction, no doubt,” said John Doe. (EDITORS NOTE: Yes, that’s his real name. We checked his license because even we were like “dude, really?”) “I mean, sometimes I go out of my way to go down Storrow Drive to look at those chicks.”

But Ms. Templeton is not laughing.

“We motorists should be driving with both hands on the wheel at all times. It’s a dangerous city and there are too many cars on the road not to pay attention.”

Asked what other distractions she would like to see banned, Ms. Templeton is quick to respond.

“Coffee drinking, changing the radio station, answering your cell phone, pulling up to a toll booth and reaching in your pocket for loose change, singing, laughing, eating, should I go on? I want to see it all banned.”

And there are lawmakers on Beacon Hill who agree. One representative who wished to remain nameless during this election year told me this. “Think of the revenue. If we made all those things illegal, think of how much money we could pull in.”

Asked whether police should spend their time doing more important things, like chasing actual criminals, this rep was quick with an answer.

“We could set up a special unit of the State Police just looking out for these distractions. If our initial calculations are accurate, the added revenue would support a team of 30-40 additional officers per year. And who doesn’t want more police?”

So far, these laws have not made it past informal discussions. But that is how the “texting-while-driving” law started and there are some political analysts who wouldn’t be surprised if Ms. Templeton gets her way.

“She has a lot of clout,” said David McKinley of the Mass Law Review Institute. “She was able to get that law passed and now she’s taking aim at other distractions. It would be tough for a lawmaker to tell his constituents ‘No, I do not want to make the roads safer.’ Don’t be surprised if you start seeing more of these distraction laws.”

For now, we can revel in the small things that make our morning commute a little more enjoyable, like flipping through stations until we find that one great song. Pretty soon, that might cost you $100.

When I was younger and not so wise, I said out loud that I wanted to work in a grocery store because I like to push buttons. Not a very lofty goal, I admit, but I was young and not very bright. “POOF”…wish granted. I ended up working at Almy’s (for those of you too young to remember it was a department store before Marshalls existed) and fulfilled my button pushing obsession as it was pre-bar code scanner. Yes, all of those numbers had to be entered into the register by hand. I should have been more specific with that thought, for the universe had a spot for me at Shaw’s too. There was some confusion with this placement, as I landed in the deli department. Probably too many trips to the deli counter for Mom….”a pound of Land-o-Lakes cheese please, thinly sliced.” See what happens when you are not specific!

To my current situation I must thank my fascination with Vampires. Before Bella and the Cullen Clan came to Forks, I was more intrigued than frightened by Bram Stroker’s Dracula. Another “error in thoughts” to the universe. As luck would have it, I sleep during the day, have aluminum foil on my windows to simulate night time when clearly it is not, I am up all night, I don’t eat meat, poultry, fish, cheese, milk, too much sugar, caffeinated beverages, wheat, or gluten, the sun makes me cranky, and I seem to go out only at “twilight.” A coincidence??? I think not.

Sadly, I have none of the benefits of being a vampire. I do not sparkle in the sunlight, I am not amazingly attractive ( 0K, maybe a little), men do not fall at my feet, I am not immortal and yes I still seem to be aging….however gracefully. I do not have superhuman strength, I cannot run through the trees or hear people’s thoughts or see the future or heal on command and I still cannot do that really cool leapy thing. Although I may not be able to flip into vampire mode or have any of the fascinating traits of a vampire when provoked all niceness goes away and Vampire Bitch appears. Not quite what I put out into the universe but I will take it. I have honed the skill over the years and have become quite good at it. Bitch mode has served me well on many occasions, and I would not want to be without it.

Lesson learned: You bring about what you speak about, so be specific, very specific!

Signed,
Miss Vampira Bitch

In the meantime, go here and check out our new site. Unless, of course, you are reading this post on our new site, in which case clicking that link may seem a bit redundant.

Our new site’s got all of our cards on full display and we’ll keep adding witty and hopefully somewhat funny posts along the way. Actually, I’m also using this blog to test our new Facebook feature which, being the non-techie, am not sure if it works.

Inside: I was this close.

Front:  Remember the time I was “lost” in the museum and the security guard found me and reunited us?

Inside: I was this close.

Being the supportive family that we are, we wanted to help Paul get through this difficult time. Uncle Dennis suggested just never calling her again. Cousin Tim said, “Just send her an email.” But when our sister, Denise, finally said, “Give her a break-up card,” an idea was born.

Alas, Hallmark doesn’t make break-up cards. But we do!

We are wicked psyched to introduce dog(eat)dog cards, the first card company willing to say what you don’t want to say. Relationships are hard and communicating is difficult. So, when you have the urge to say something you know you shouldn’t say, let us say it!

Sheryl, Denise & Paul